Not much of a spoiler, I guess, but I have been working on THE Eat Bulaga book for some time now. This morning, before leaving for work, my dad and I talked about the book and the legacy Eat Bulaga leaves behind. Without blinking, he likened noontime shows to gladiators battling it out in an arena. They slug it out, they fight, they get cut and bruised, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to who is left standing. When the battle is over, the details blur and become somewhat insignificant; the cuts just turn to scars, the bruises heal, the spectators leave, and the victor lives to fight another day, knowing that the one thing he can treasure other than his life, is the memory of the moment in all its glory. Before my dad walked out the door, he gave me a one-liner that somewhat put a smile on my face, “Tandaan mo,” he said, “existence is the evidence.” He grinned back sabay walkout. Brilliant. I’m proud to say, it’s moments like these that remind me how much of a genius my dad is.
Okay, before you read any further, let me first give you a brief background on my little cousin, Luccas.
A sweet and adorable, pint-sized six-year old, Luccas is ideally harmless. But beyond his scrawny physique, lies an extremely brilliant child whose mischief is nothing short of legen-wait for it-dary. In Big Bang Theory terms, he is most likely "one lab accident away from becoming a super-villain". Luccas is probably a perfect blend of Dennis the Menace, Kevin from Home Alone, the kid from Problem Child and Damien from The Omen. Add a touch of the Escalera Brothers to the mix and package that with Puss in Boots' irresistible charm and you've got one helluva kid. Get it? HELLuva.
Though there are a million tales on the self-proclaimed, Luccas the Badass, this one is probably my favorite. One day, a maid finds a mysterious lump of dung (a.k.a. a log of sh*t) on the patio.
A then 4 or 5-year old Luccas comes running to the scene, scratching his head.
Maid (pointing to crap on the ground):Luccas! Ikaw gumawa nito noh?!
Luccas:No, I didn't do it! Si Vegas yan! Poo poo yan ng dog!
Maid:Hindi tumatae diyan yung aso! Sigurado kang hindi ikaw yan?!
Luccas:No, not me! Yung dog yun! Si Vegas!
Maid:Naku, ewan. Sige sige.
Luccas innocently smiles and calmly walks away.
The next day, another mysterious turd is found.
Maid:Luuuuccaaaaaas!!!!!!! Ikaw ito 'no?!
Luccas:No, not me!
Maid:Eh sino pa gagawa niyan kasama ko si Vegas.
Luccas:Yung BIRD yan! Bird nag-poo poo diyan.
Luccas:Oo yung bird yan!
Maid:Bird?! Eh paanong bird yan, eh napakalaki ng tae na 'yan!
I love my name. But, let's face it, my name "Jako" is literally one letter shy of the Filipino slang word for Masturbation. Yes, masturbation. (it's JAKO + an L, in case you still don't know). Can't believe how adding just one letter can change everything for you. Oh well.
Anywho, I had to deal with that for most of my life. Though I had an immunity to it, peers and classmates would still make fun of me. Imagine my relief when I moved to the states. New life. New identity. I thought it was great! In fact, when I first got there, most Americans actually liked my name. The worst I would get was something like, "Jako? like Michael Jackson? Wacko Jacko! Nice!", which was cool I guess. Finally, school came and I was excited to live the first day of my new ridicule-free life until...
New Classmate:Hey man, what's your name?
New Classmate:Jako?! Like Michael Jackson! Nice... Wacko Jacko!
Me:Haha (nervous laughter) yep, Wacko Jacko...
New Classmate:Aight, nice to meet you, man.
I started walking back to my seat, but just when I thought everything was okay, he calls out...
New Classmate:Hey man, you know what I just thought of, they should add an F to your name and call you JAKOF!
Imagine that. One letter...a different letter... in a different language... same effing meaning. I mean, what are the odds?!
Getting massages can relieve stress and tension. On rare occasions though, instead of taking it away, it tends to add to it! Here's one conversation between me and a masseuse that made me do a... you guessed it... facepalm. (I apologize to foreign readers for it's mostly in Tagalog)
Masseuse:Sir, higa na.
Masseuse:Sir, anong owel ang gusto niyo?
Me:Owel?! ahh oil! Sorry, di ko alam eh... anong meron?
Masseuse:Vanilla, Lavender at FEFFERMINT...
Me (nasasamid):Ano uli?
Masseuse:Vanilla, Lavender at Feffer...
Me (cutting her off):Ah ok na, sige lavender na lang..
Masseuse:Ayaw n'yo fo talaga ng feffermint?
Me:Peppermint? Ah eh...
Masseuse:Ofo, Feffermint! Okay fo yon!
Me:*pacefalm, este, facepalm*
Lucky for you guys the fun doesn't end there!
Me:Teka, ano na lang ba yung mabango?
Me (cutting her off again):Hinde, ayoko ng peppermint, yung iba? ano mabango?
Masseuse:hmmm... ay sir! meron fo rin fala tayong UNSCENTED!
For kicks, I asked again to make sure. I might have misunderstood her the first time, right?
Me (jokingly):Ah... okay? Unscented? Sigurado kang mabango ba yun ha?
My friend "Ben" is one comic book-toy-cartoon geek. He's a goody goody guy so we never thought he'd actually do something un-ben-like. Here is the conversation I had with him over the phone last night:
Me:Hey man, I heard you got a tattoo, is that true?!
Ben:Yes Yes! It's awesome!
Ben:Around 3 inches by 3 inches.
Me:You do know your mom will kill you.
Ben:Well, I'm 32 years old. I'm old enough to make my own decisions!
Me:Okay, fine, geez ... what did you get?
UPDATE:Here is his facebook status: I got a tattoo. (name of siblings) if youre reading this, don't tell mom! I'll tell her soon enough.